The Five Word Reviews Rant

Welcome to the new and improved LaurenProctor32.blogspot.com. I apologize to any regular readers who were thrown by the disappearance of the old "To Measure Yourself At Least Once" design, but hopefully this is a tasteful and refreshing blast of something new and different. If not, let me know and I'll turn right back around. After all, without you readers I'd just be like that tree of questionable existence, falling in the forest. Enough about change and tree trunks though, let's blog.

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Five word reviews and six word memoirs, they're so in style right now just about every publication I subscribe to (and that's saying a lot) has had some sort of drawn out praise for brevity. First it was Wired, then the New Yorker, the newspapers, and now Time. Blender Music Magazine hasn't discussed the phenomenon but you'd better believe that they employ brief, bold font reviews above their more "lengthy" 100-200 word critiques of new album releases.

In a society where we are inundated with data our response has been to condense. Japan's best seller list is half cell phone novels and adept info snackers have become the new readers of Tolstoy. Don't get me wrong, I love tiny bits of information that I can store safely in the pockets of my mind.

I also love six word memoirs for their endlessly entertaining and quirky appeal.

I have to draw the line at some point though, and that's five word reviews. Radio news (other than NPR) is infamously inferior because it has no substance other than quick headline type coverage. It's good for a taste or a summary, but it's nothing more. And that's exactly why I have an axe to grind with something that's supposed to convey an opinion in so few words. Granted, I'm not so talented with the brevity, but stick with me here.

I went to see Vicky Christina Barcelona the other day and a friend and I both set ourselves to the task of writing five word reviews. They are as follows:

Women seek love, crazy journey.
Love and lust complexities made human.

Based on these five words I don't think anyone would get a true sense of whether or not they ought to see the film. Without barbaric reaction words like "Meh" or "Eeeks" it's difficult to convey any sort of opinion beyond just a summary. This kind of brevity strips the critic of their opinion, and opinion is the very essence of reviews. I don't mind five word summaries, but when it comes to films lets opt for a combination of that and five star rankings, something that actually tells us whether or not something is worthwhile in the first place. After all, if you don't have the time to read the review in entirety there's no sense in spending time on the actual product unless it's la creme de la creme.

So five word reviews, here's my five word review of you:

Brief reviews, useless without stars.

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In the spirit of today, check out Dressy Bessy. Their LP Style Review would go like this:

Dressy Bessy
Melodic powerpop led by biting female.
****/ (4/5 Asterisks aka Stars)

The Literary Trail

As many of you may already know, I recently wrote about a personal literary mission to complete the Modern Library's Best 100 Novels, Time Magazine's Top 100 Novels, and the Booker Prize winners and shortlisted fiction lists. Theoretically, this constantly growing list could currently contain 434 books (although there aren't quite that many due to some overlaps).

Most of my friends have deemed me insane and one friend even said I had condemned myself to perpetual serfdom by choosing a reading goal that only continues to grow by six novels each year but I'm excited to meet the challenge. I've been especially slow on the Booker Prize list thus far but in the next couple months my focus will shift and you'll see my completion list in relation to the Booker grow exponentially (at least after I finish Augie March, which I've just begun). As I do so I will record my progress.

Completion Lists stand as follows:

Booker Prize (229 left)

1. Loitering with Intent by Muriel Spark
2. The Life of Pi by Yann Martel
3. The Gathering by Anne Enright
4. The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid
5. The Industry of Souls by Martin Booth

Modern Library (10 of 100 - 90 left)

1. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
2. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
3. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
4. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
5. 1984 by George Orwell
6. Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
7. Animal Farm by George Orwell
8. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
9. Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth
10. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Time Magazine List (21 of 100 - 79 left)
1. Animal Farm by George Orwell
2. Beloved by Toni Morrison
3. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
4. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
5. Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
6. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
7. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
8. The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
9. Money by Martin Amis
10. Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
11. Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
12. 1984 by George Orwell
13. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
14. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
15. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
16. Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth
17. Possession by A.S. Byatt
18. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
19. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston
20. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
21. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee

In the overall drive I have 403 books left (not taking into account list overlaps, which is still possible). I've read 40 books since the end of last summer and I consider myself well read, but I'm starting to wonder what I ever could have read before I started these lists. I'm also wondering if I could get some sort of publisher to give me some sort of scholarship for taking on this reading endeavor. People get money for riding their bike, right? Maybe there's some sort of scholarship opportunity here...

I finished The Industry of Souls just minutes ago and it was truly beautiful. Martin Booth is an extraordinary writer and his characters are well developed and full of nuggets of simple wisdom that only once felt cliched.

My favorite line is, "And I raise my glass to them, to the past, to the times you would think I should rather forget and yet which I cannot because I do not wish to. For, if I forget the past, I forget them - Work Unit 8 in Sosnogorsklag 32 - and that would not be right."

I also liked the way the protagonist at one point says...CAUTION: SPOILER: "...with another sum to be placed in trust to provide two scholarships per annum for pupils to travel and see the world, that they, like me, can come to understand that there is evil and there is goodness, to learn the lesson that if you kill something of beauty, two uglinesses spring up in its place."

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Now for the tunes. Many of you have probably already heard of Hot Chip, but if you haven't and you'd like to be on the cutting edge of indie bands then check them out. Sometimes I think they're an acquired taste, but I enjoy their upbeat, electro infused feel. It's nice background lounge music, although I'm not sure if most people say they like them just to be cool. What I especially like about this band though, is their aptitude for trippy music videos. See "Ready For the Floor" for visual amazement:

Five States In Six Days, and My Unrepentant Commitment to Books

It's been quite awhile since I've written anything and I appreciate everyone's offline inquiries about the ole' blog. I've been aggressively pursuing my last season of UMass Softball and have felt like a touring musician as of late. We've played softball in five different states in the last six days (Florida, Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania) and I feel like a stained and battered rag. Nothing has been particularly easy as of late but I can't help but think that years from now I'll look back on recent events and consider myself lucky to have learned the lessons I did when I did. It's been awhile since life felt normal and I'm relieved to think everything may soon resume to its natural rhythms. If those rhythms quicken or change, let it be, because in the end it must be for the better. All I ask is that the storm makes me better in the end.

Enough of that kind of talk, right? I promise I'm not normally that dreary. How about we discuss something interesting? I have formally turned one of my casual hobbies into a joyfully relentless pursuit. Typical me, eh? Here's how I did it.

A friend and I have just committed ourselves to reading the entire Booker Prize winners and shortlist. The prize was initially founded in 1969 and each year six authors are awarded the Booker Prize (although I noticed that in 1975 there is only one winner and one shortlisted author and the reasoning there escapes me). In addition to reading the 190 or so fiction works from the Booker list with my friend I have finally committed myself to reading two 100 Best Novel lists. The first is the Modern Library's 100 Best Novels and the second list is Time Magazine's All-Time 100 Novels. Many of the titles on those last two lists overlap and I've read a good portion of the Top 100 lists. But to me there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to thoughtfully converse about and analyze any of those highly regarded titles.

My lists are meticulously organized and I'm ready to move forward. I figure I already read a couple novels a week in addition to the New Yorker, Time, Rolling Stone, Blender, Out, WIRED, Inc., and other periodicals. With some focus and persistence adding another 260 or so novels shouldn't be too difficult. I'll keep you roughly aware of my progress and expect to complete my lists in approximately three years. If you're crazy enough to share the same goal, please let me know. I expect we'd be kindred souls of a rare goal-oriented-even-during-leisure-activities variety.

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Today's music recommendation is slow, melancholy, but also somehow hopeful. My mom actually turned me onto this artist. His name is Kevin Ayers and his song "Walk On Water" from the album Unfairground is beautiful, transforming a typical "reap what you sew" cliche into sagacious sing-song wisdom.

The Highlight of My Week

I've been busy. This week marks the beginning of the last semester of my senior year and it seems like I'm going to love both Shakespeare and Journalism Law. Practice has been going well and the team looks good. I kissed my final graduation application as I dropped it into the mail, and in one week the UMass softball team is off to Florida for our first tournament. I'm feeling lucky in so many regards but the highlight of my week is sure to arrive on Sunday.

After Sunday morning's practice the UMass softball team is meeting Kirstin (you can learn about her by clicking on her name). Kirstin was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor two years ago and has been fighting ever since. Although I haven't met her yet, she seems like an amazing and inspiring girl. The team is welcoming her into our family through a program called Friends of Jaclyn, and she's welcome to attend anything team related as long as she's interested. As players flow through the program they'll meet Kirstin and then hopefully stay in contact with her for the rest of their lives. I'm delighted to meet Kirstin and hope she enjoys being a part of the UMass family.

In other news, I just started Josh Kilmer-Purcell's memoir I Am Not Myself These Days. I initially fell in love with Josh Kilmer-Purcell's column work and the memoir is bizarre but clever. Kilmer-Purcell can make me laugh effortlessly and I've caught myself stifling chuckles everywhere I go reading the memoir. If you're tolerant, liberal, and up for a light read he's worth checking out.

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When it comes to music I know I've recommended Vampire Weekend since August 2007 but they've pulled in tons of hype in recent months and their album released this week to much praise. If you haven't given them a listen yet, check out this video below.



And because I would hate to go out without giving a new recommendation, check out Jack Penate. He's perfect to start the weekend with.

I love his dancing Converses in the video below, and his beautiful accent more than makes up for the fact that it looks like he might wear a toupee. Give a listen to "Spit at Stars" and you'll know exactly what I mean.

This Is Your Brain On Music

Theoretically the pitch of sound doesn't exist unless it's heard. So that tree that fell over in a distant forest; it didn't make a sound. And the chocolate cheesecake chilling in your refrigerator; that doesn't taste like anything. The dessert sitting in the fridge only holds the potential for taste. At least that's what Daniel J. Levitin says in the first chapter of This is Your Brain on Music. My parents gave me the book this past holiday and although I'm only reading it for the first time, when I'm done with this I'm sure I'll have digested every sentence in the book at least three times.

Thought provoking and unlike any book I've ever read, I'm finding myself obsessed with his scientific breakdown of our human obsession with music. I'm sure I'll continue to discuss some of the topics Levitin covers as I progress, but for now I'd like to list some of my favorite topics so far.

1. Music was initially all inclusive, meaning the creator and observer of music were one in the same. Everyone danced and beat drums in tribal rituals. Now we're different. Our pop rock society dominates and the line between music makers and spectators is more polarized than ever before. Will the gap continue to widen or will it close in the future? I think it will close, at least to a certain extent. Our society won't let go of concerts and that type of thing, but with the leveling advent of the internet anyone can create and digitally release an EP. Also, think Guitar Hero. Maybe people will always download music for free, but they're willing to spend $90 on Guitar Hero III. And for a youth consumed with virtual interaction, I see games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band playing a large role in social interactions. Play the drums with the Red Hot Chili Peppers or rap alongside Lil' Wayne's newest release. Maybe this is the new way of consuming music, and if so what better way for the industry to make profits than to allow Wii users to connect to the internet and download the play-along version of Mary J. Blige's new single? This particular (highly rudimentary and thinking aloud) type of musing may be flawed, but this is the type of jointed music experience I'm predicting might fix the music industry.

2. Pitch can be mapped on the brain. Different areas of the brain respond to different pitches, and the neurons in our auditory cortex fire at the precise frequency of the pitch of a pure tone being played. We don't do this visually, but musically, we do.

3. People (well most people) can naturally extract the beat from a song and tap their feet or snap their fingers to a beat. This type of meter extraction is impossible for most computers, but it's inherent in humans. Does this suggest that we're naturally tied to music? This is the type of wonder This Is Your Brain On Music induces.


Relative to this post, today's musical gem is the UK's BrakesBrakesBrakes. Their beat heavy rock blurs the line between catchy pop songs and dance music. Check out the bouncy "All Night Disco Party" and the surprising "Beatific Visions" video below.

"Beatific Visions" reminds me of some early OK Go and the cutesy side of Fountains of Wayne. Watch, and you'll see that "existence exists."