"A Weak Disturbance Aloft"

Like others, I am a person of ritual. There's the ritual of whispering "I love 32" as I tap the doorway leaving practice, or the ritual of waking up and eating my breakfast slowly and thoughtfully. I put on my cleats with in a reverential ritual, and I ritually check my email throughout the day. And although I repeat all the aforementioned often, nothing quite tops my ritual check of The Weather.

Whether I'm deciding what clothes to pick out for the approaching day or trying to decipher whether we'll be able to squeeze in a softball game or not, I feel like knowing the weather is invaluable. It's a form of social currency, a way of finding yourself constantly in the know. And I like to know if there's a 30% or 80% chance of rain between the hours of 3 and 5. It makes a difference. Not only that, but lately I've taken quite a liking to whoever it is that writes (or more appropriately yells because all caps is a form of yelling in cyberspace) weather.com's weather statements.

Maybe my lowered exposure to humor due to writer's strike has caused the semi-funny to become funnier, but there's just something about weather statements that really get me. Problem is, I don't think they're intended to be funny. Below is an example of a weather statement from earlier today. I'll let you read it, and then tell you why I think it's so quirky.

"..SPOTTY LIGHT FREEZING RAIN... SLEET...AND SNOW OVERNIGHT...

A WEAK DISTURBANCE ALOFT IS BRINGING SOME VERY SPOTTY LIGHT FREEZING RAIN... SLEET...AND SNOW SHOWERS THIS SATURDAY EVENING. WHILE AIR TEMPERATURES MAY BE JUST ABOVE FREEZING IN SOME INSTANCES...THE RECENT SUBZERO COLD WILL PROBABLY HAVE RESIDUAL EFFECTS IN KEEPING PAVEMENT TEMPERATURES AT OR JUST BELOW FREEZING AS THE SCATTERED LIGHT PRECIPITATION MOVES THROUGH THE REGION. THIS MAY RESULT IN LOCALIZED SLIPPERY SPOTS ON AREA ROADS OVERNIGHT. PRECIPITATION AMOUNTS WILL BE VERY LIGHT...WITH JUST A TRACE TO TWO HUNDREDTHS OF AN INCH OF LIQUID EXPECTED IN SPOTS. SEVERAL LOCATIONS MAY JUST REMAIN DRY."

1. I just don't understand the caps. Is it supposed to create panic and unease about the encroaching "WEAK DISTURBANCE ALOFT"?

2. What interesting word choice, ellipsis, and sentence structure. Just look at that. The meteorologist is much more eloquent on television.

3. That brings me to another point. Who in the world writes these? Is it the meteorologist, pecking away at his computer or do they hire a writer of some sort? And whoever it is, are they proud of the weather statements. Obviously their name doesn't make it into print, but do they call their friends and say, "Golly gee, Holly, look at that pristine weather statement that just went online. I used some big words, and my sentences are almost as long as Hawthorne's."

It makes me WONDER...THINK...AND CHECK THE WEATHER STATEMENTS WITHOUT FAIL EVERY DAY... It won't help my writing but maybe it'll help me prepare for two hundredths of an inch of slippery liquid in the morning. Or perhaps my location may just remain dry. I suppose I'll have to go outside to find out.

With that said, I hope the weak disturbance aloft misses you altogether. Good night and good tidings, may tomorrow bring you peace.

Always,

Lauren

P.S. In the meantime check out this sweet "Butterfly Dub" lounge track as you watch this video. I think Parkour (what these city boys are doing here) is going to become my sport after softball.